Endometriosis (Endo), Polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS), uterine fibroids, spontaneous abortion (SAB), or miscarriage is the most common problem with female infertility; however there are several other problems that affect the reproductive system as well, making this illness less worse than the other. Then there is the emotional, mental and physical trauma that is enough to send anyone overboard and NO IT IS NOT OK!
Imagine you are a 7 year old girl dreaming about your future. What will my husband look like? How many children will I have? How big is my house going to be? Will I have a cat or a dog? What kind of job will I have? Will I have a beach house like mommy and daddy have?
As every passing year goes by your fantasy grows bigger and overwhelming, you cannot wait to start your life, you wish you are all grown up and you hate being a child. Now you are 12 years old and you begin your women’s passage, you know not to be scarred because mommy told you all about the women’s menstrual cycle and how every women goes thru this in order to one day have babies” just like I had you”, she would say, so you are not afraid but happy because this means that one day soon you will be just like mommy, all grown up!
Wow can you believe it! You are 12 years old, one more year and you are a teenager and you are beginning to look more like a women each day, your body is doing everything it is suppose to do, or at least that is what mommy said. Soon you will be able to have your very own family just like mommy, you are so excited, and you hope that you are good mommy just like your mommy!
Now keep that image in your mind, let the joy rush through you and please keep reading.
Month 2 menstrual cycle begins and I am still convincing myself that everything is ok, why would I think any different, mommy said this is what we go thru so these pains I am feeling is normal right? Mommy said I would have bloating and I do, Mommy said I would be hungry and have cravings at different times, and I do, Mommy said ohh sweet pea we all have cramping and irritability this is perfectly normal, and I said ok but my tummy really hurts mommy. But who am I to complain, why would mommy lie to me?
After the 2nd month you begin to feel anxious, worried and all alone, you know that soon you will start your menses and the pain is starting to stress you out but you are afraid to say anything, you do not want mommy to think you are a baby because this is normal and she lived with it, then so can I. My girlfriends at school do not complain so why should I? My Aunts and my grandmother reassured me that this is perfectly normal as well so now I am beginning to feel like this is all in my head and I am a cry baby, that all I do is complain about something that is so natural, plus isn’t this what makes me different from boys! Isn’t this what makes me special! So why do I hurt so much and why is my bleeding so heavy, ohh god please help me!
The prayers go by each month for 3 to 7 days because my menses do not seem to be consistent but it does come so mommy said not to worry, she said to worry only when you do not have one in that month or if you go thru so many pads in a certain time frame, she said if you are hurting that bad here is Tylenol this will help! I will make an appointment for you to see the obgyn, he will be able to tell you that everything is ok.
The next day you go to the doctors and he checks you out and takes some blood, then he sent you to the xray machine so he can see what is going on. The results are, (you are perfectly normal), the pains are normal as well, but because you are hurting that bad I will give you a prescription for ibuprofen, ok sweetie?
Years go by and you are now 17 years old, you love your life except for that week every month. Ibuprofen is no longer working but that is ok you discovered something much better! You feel as if you are almost there, just a little while longer and you will have your family, first let’s finish high school then college. You no longer complain about your pains or your heavy bleeding because you were told that everything is normal, that you are perfectly without a doubt healthy! So a little alcohol or something else to numb the pain during those short days is perfectly ok as well!
High school is finished, just 4 more years and you will be finished college. Your life seems to be falling into place, everything is on target, then finally it happens, the whammy of all whammies, you meet your true love! You know this is it, you know he is yours and he will ask you to marry him, the excitement is overwhelming your heart has never ran so fast like this, the words I DO is accidentally coming out before he even asks you. You are so in love that you forgotten that you have not been using any form of protection at all during your most intimate times. However isn’t that just to prevent you from pregnancy and you do not want that because you to are getting married! So you weren’t that concerned about it and neither was he.
One year after your marriage you start to notice that your pain is getting worse and the bleeding is getting heavier, you do not want to worry your husband just yet, your family and friends have all told you that everything is ok, even your doctor! Besides you are only 22 years old you have 10 + years to have a child right? Once again you think everyone knows what’s best for you and you dismiss your instinct that something is severely wrong! You do not have the courage just yet to fight with the doctors, why should you, they are doctors right? They know what they are talking about so it is ok!
Then that day finally arrives, you knew this was coming you just didn’t know what it was, you can feel your body screaming but you just didn’t understand it. You are getting up to get your coffee right before work prepared when all of a sudden you fell to the floor. The scream was deafening the pain, ohh god the pain! Am I dying? What is happening? You are screaming out for help, the pain is crippling you, unable to move from one side to the other, unable to lift yourself off the floor, then you see it, the blood! Where is it coming from? My menses is not due yet, now your screams were so loud that your husband’s heart literally jump out of him, you can hear him screaming back at you, Hun are you ok what’s wrong? Man why did I live in such a big house?
Then you see your husband jumping the hurdles that your wonderful decorating skills placed in the way between you and him. He is by you side, the whole time you are thinking wow I didn’t know he could move that fast or jump so high, but the pain was so severe that you couldn’t even muster that joke to him. He is standing over you, confused, lost and scarred to all holy hell! Where is all that blood coming from, (OMG HUN, it’s going to be ok, I am going to lift you up, I know it is going to hurt.) He isn’t thinking to call 911 yet all he is thinking is (what do I do, what is going on) He picks you up and carries you to the bath tub, he gently places you in there and then says (I am calling 911, I will be right back)!
At the hospital the nurses and doctors are all running around you asking you, (are you pregnant? How long have you been hurting? Are you allergic to anything? Who is your doctor? And the list keeps going as your anger keeps growing. They finally put you to sleep with their wonderful drugs. The doctor then turns to your husband and says (we need to take her into the operating room).
Your husband is so lost now, he wants to know why? The doctor informs him that you are hemorrhaging and they do not know why yet so they must take you in there and look. As the tears roll down his eyes and the fear is growing heavier, the doctor then informs him that he must sign a consent form, one that reads, (In short note, If we have to remove her uterus or ovaries due to the hemorrhaging in order to save her life) will you sign?
All of this is happening in less than a few short minutes but it feels like hours! His hands are shaky, he is trying to keep himself under control, the whole time wishing his mother or father was there with him. His action before him is now haunting him, (why did I lift her up, why didn’t I hear her sooner, why didn’t I call 911 immediately! Oh god what did I do? Someone Please Help). The form is signed and you are wheeled off, the whole time you are asleep and have no idea what is going on!
Your husband is now making the phone calls, trying to keep himself together. The doctor comes out and tells him that everything went well, better than expected, your uterus is intact and your ovaries are saved, but unfortunately we couldn’t save the baby! Your husband is now yelling; BABY! What the! OMG what do I tell her? Did she know and not tell me? Why? This isn’t making sense! Baby? The doctor gives his condolences and says that you will need to be treated and your OBGYN is on his way in, he will be here shortly! Again the doctor says, (I am sorry). Treated? What do you mean treated? When will he be here? The doctor said that he will explain everything as soon as he arrives and we can talk about her case.
Now confusion doesn’t even express what he is feeling, He hears you oh so softly call his name. I am here hun, everything is ok, just rest. I love you, as he gently kisses your head, “we will be alright I promise you”. He turns to his father, and then looks at your father, then he looks at our mothers, he doesn’t know what to say. He failed; he didn’t keep you safe, oh my god I am sorry. Our parents tried telling him it’s ok, they did not hold blame or judgment towards him or the situation. It is what it is. However he is feeling completely lost, scarred and helpless.
Excuse me for a minute I need to go to the bathroom, please watch her I will be right back. Where can he go that no one will see him? He finds a quiet place outside, no one is around. He tells himself, “I must stay strong for her, she cannot see me like this” then for that brief minute he lets go, he is uncontrollably crying asking why! Why did this happen, what did we do, was I not a good husband, could I have prevented this? The tears stream down his face when he hears footsteps behind him, It is his father telling him it is ok to cry but you must stay strong for her. I know what you are going though and I know how much pain you are in but you have to remain strong! He holds his son for the first time since he was a child and says we are allowed to cry, scream, kick, hit and even break things when we are not in front of our wives. You need to release this so you can hold her up and help her deal with this lost. The grief will be too much for her and you have to pull her back. He agrees!
Now you are coming around and he is by your side, still trying to figure out what to tell you. Then he just blurts it out, you were pregnant and you miscarried! But, we will get through this, I promise you. PREGNANT! What? That isn’t possible, is it? Wait did I have a period last month? Crap I have been so busy, I can’t remember. This isn’t possible, I would know! Then the doctors come in, Mr. and Mrs. Smith, how are you doing, and how are you feeling missy?
You are angry, scarred, worried, most of all you are currently in denial! How am I! How dare you! You told me I am fine! I am just perfectly healthy just last month! How dare you! The doctor tries to explain but right now you and your husband need time to heal!
One month later you are going in for your check up, both you and your husband are still grieving and the pain is still unbearable. The doctor then tells you that your test results are in and that you need to be treated. HOLD ON! What do you mean treated? As you cut him off. You told me I was fine and that everything I was going thru was normal and now you are saying what?
Mrs. Smith please let me finish. You have Endometriosis, Polycystic ovary syndrome, and uterine fibroid, the fibroid was behind your uterus we didn’t see it until we had to perform and emergency DNC and Laparoscopic surgery. I am sorry, you showed no obvious signs and you were by all rights healthy! It was not until we were in there did I see how much scar damage there was, and how many cyst were on your ovaries. If I had performed an ultrasound a few months ago I would have seen the cyst but we did not have a recent ultrasound of you since last year and you showed no signs for me to order another. But please do not worry this is treatable and you are still young!
Still young! What, I am 23 years old, you told me that I was in my prime years to conceive a child, that it is best that we have one before the age of 35? Now you are telling me WHAT! That I have an illness? That it is treatable? How is this possible? Wow you thought you were in denial before the worst is yet to come.
Your wonderful husband who has been at your beck and call during the last month is now losing his control! Can you blame him? He isn’t mad at you, he loves you and he is worried for you, but the doctor, ohhh that doctor has never seen such an irate client until that day! The Doctor then tells you all about treatment and pain management, but your anger and hatred has you seeing red! You and your husband get up and tell him I want a copy of my medical records now! I am not paying for it either! You will release my records to me and I will find another doctor that hopefully has a clue!
Ever since the diagnoses your pain has been creeping up on you, it used to be during your period but now it is breaking thru and you are having them throughout the month. You have been to two different doctors and finally finding (the one) at least you thought! The pain management is not helping, your life, your work, your family and your marriage is suffering. Friends have disappeared, your family does not want to keep hearing about your issues and your work is losing patience with your consent calling off.
It has now been 1 year of ongoing treatment with a total of 2 miscarriages in between treatments. The pain is so severe that you now cannot work, or at least not a normal shift. Your family can not understand why you are putting yourself through all this. LIKE YOU HAVE A CHOICE!
You yourself cannot understand why either, now the denial that you were dealing with for the first 3-6months has moved into the why me syndrome. The 7 stages of grief needed to heal is not even in your vocabulary yet.
Fortunately you have overcome the shock and denial of this ordeal but you are stuck on pain and guilt. This Illness is not going anywhere, you cannot treat/ heal endo, pcos or fibroids, and you are realizing that you can only control it, one which has not even been mastered. You are now looking at your life and wondering “why am I here” “what is my propose, to suffer?” Why is this happening, someone anyone please help me! Contemplating suicide is almost at the top of your list, just one more word, look or pain will send you to the entire bottle of pain medication. Your family, friends, and loved ones have all said, “Why”! Why are you doing this! You are agreeing with them, WHY? The tears are now sealing your eyes shut, you can’t see, you can’t breathe from all this crying, your voice hurts from screaming and you have lost all hope and faith. Welcome to hell our ongoing nightmare that we will never wake up from!
Eventually you pull yourself together; you are entering anger and bargaining stage. You shun your family, friends and loved ones. If they cannot understand and do not want to hear you cry anymore, FINE I DON’T NEED THEM! Now you are doing all the research you possibly can on this subject, you join support groups only to realize that some of them can’t help you, you try to reach out to others in all forms of chat forums you can find, only to start bargaining with your illness. If I can try this maybe it will work, If I go here for treatment then maybe this will be it. If I move maybe the environment will help. Welcome to anger and bargaining, because no matter what you do, you still do not find what you are looking for! An answer! One that is still so far away.
Depression, loneliness and reflection is about to occur, this is where the majority of us stay for many years. We lost everyone that cared for us; we lost our jobs, our sanity and our life! Now your husband has been there from day one, he carried you when you could no longer walk, he cleaned you when you were saturated with blood, and he fed you when you no longer could hold a spoon because you were so heavily medicated to stop the pain. He never once said to you how he feels, how lost he is, how helpless he feels, how sorry he is! No he has done everything he could to bring you back but it is not enough, not yet! He has lost all his friends, family and his life as well with this illness! But you do not see that, not yet! THIS IS OK! This is normal! This is what hell is! He will be there when you are ready, he will not leave your side, he will stand strong for as long as you need him!
Your husband has bypass the healing process, (how) he released all that grief in the hospital, and then allowed the “I AM MAN” syndrome to take over, he feels as if he failed you, and he will not, WILL NOT allow that to happen again. He has given you the green light, as he holds the red light. He will not allow anyone or anything cause you anymore pain! However he has turned to his own way of coping, this can be drinking, gaming, exercising or whatever it is he needs to do in order to deal with this.
This is the stage where the two of you start repairing yourselves. This is also the stage where you give him the freedom to cheat, leave, divorce or whatever else will occur. You feel helpless and less of a women. You remember your dreams when you were a child, the promises your mother made to you. How did your dream turn into such a nightmare? You feel so alone and you are not ready to let your husband back into your bubble. You want him to find another woman that can make him happy, that can give him a family and one that will not drag his debt further down the toilet with all the medical bills. But he is not leaving, WHY? That is for him to tell you in his own time.
If he says no then it is no, he is staying, the worst has already come and gone, you are now learning to live with no money, car is about to be repossessed, you have no grocery in the cabinet and your home is about to be foreclosed. Your pain is so devastating that you are constantly taking pain medications and can barely muster words to talk. You have no money and yet need the medications, so you to find creative ways to pay one bill but not the other and hope you made the right choice. You cannot turn to family, friends or anyone else because they all couldn’t deal with your illness and you shut them out a long time ago.
You finally realize that he isn’t going anywhere, you start to thank the gods for sending him to you, and out of everything in your life he has remained constant and unyielding. This is the upward turn you are facing, where your life no matter how bad it is, no matter how much you hurt, you are seeing that your husband is your saving grace. This will send you into reconstruction and learning how to work through your obstacles. This phase is the hardest for the two of you to leave; you learn to completely count on each other.
Now with this stage you are on number 6 of 7 healing phases. This is where you keep your family, friends, and anyone else you meant during this trial of fire out of your (Marriage Bubble), you guys have been through so much in one life time that no one can fully comprehend it, and for you both, that is ok. Your story belongs in the ( Marriage Believe or not file). This is normal, THIS IS OK! This is also the phase where the craziest of your treatments start to play out. How bad do you want a child? Will you do, give, steal, cheat, lie, bargain and manipulate your way through this? YES YOU WILL! THIS IS OK! THIS IS NORMAL!
Now we begin down the road of infertility.
This is the hardest road you will ever face! Your faith is falling back into the doctors’ hands. He tells you if you get pregnant the pain will go away, he tells you that you can cure this illness by having a child; he feeds you all the words you need to hear so you believe him. You are now trying everything you can to financially feed this trial of life. You go to banks, lenders of all variety who look at you like you are crazy. You want me to lend you 50k or more so you can WHAT! This is the first heart break, with many more trials and errors. No one can understand why you are doing this, is having a child really that important? Why do you not just have a hysterectomy? Why are you going to put yourself through so much pain? How many miscarriages have you already had? And these keep coming and coming like the energizer bunny. No matter what way you turn someone is always telling you to give up!
IS having a child really worth it? YES! YES! YES! READ THIS LOUD AND CLEAR! YES!
You do not care how many miscarriages you have had now, you and your husband have agreed, that this is the road YOU BOTH WANT. This is about acceptance, faith and hope! You know you are sick, you know that your organs are completely utterly covered with scar tissues. This is your body! You know how many surgeries you had, How many DNC’s you had, how week your uterus is, how many sleepless, hospital nights you had! You know how painful, heart breaking, and lonely this road is. YOU HAVE BEEN WALKING IT ALONE FOR YEARS! With your husband right there ready to catch you and hold your hand in this final phase of your illness! You both agreed that this is your body, that you both want this and are willing to die for it. There is no illusion here. You know the risk! You know that this may be the last thing you do, but you still want to do it!
This is the life of Infertility Hell! For some of us this is where we still are sitting, for a few of us, we have not even reached this phase. For the very small handful remaining, they have achieved their goal. For the smallest amount of us we have risked our life in order to bring this miracle in to this world. Make no mistake in understanding me here, this illness is real and we live in a nightmare that we can never wake up from. If you truly want to help us, then understand that this IS NOT OK! This will NOT GET BETTER! THERE IS NO BRIGHTER SIDE! STOP LYING TO US! We need to learn to deal with it, handle it, and control it! We need someone that we can, cry, scream, kick, hit, and throw a tantrum with; we need someone to lift our head to wipe our tears, nose, and move our hair, but we do not want you to tell us to smile! There is 7 stages of grief, read about it, learn from it and help us move along in them. But do not tell us this is ok and everything will work out! This illness is not curable, it is controllable with medications. This illness is also controllable with herbal remedies and holistic care. But do not push us into either side, we will get through this but you have to understand that NO ONE IS THE SAME!
Information listed below was found at http://www.nobabyonboard.com.
Some people have difficulty believing that infertility is a physical problem. In a sense, they are right.
Infertility is not only a physical ailment, but also a psychological and social problem.
Some facts
A study by Freemen, Boxer, Rickels, Turekc, and Mastroianni revealed that 49% of women and 15% of men described infertility as the most upsetting event of their lives.
Guerra, Llobern, Veiga, and Barri (1998) found that about 60% of infertility patients suffered from an
Adjustment Disorder.
According to Baram, Touretelot, Muechler, and Huang (1988), 13% of women had suicidal ideation
following a failed IVF attempt.
Women had markedly higher anxiety and depression scores than other women and their stress
treatment positively correlated with the type and cost of treatment. The more complicated and
expensive, the more anxiety these women reported.
Research results suggest that couples entering an IVF-treatment program are, in general,
psychologically well adjusted. Concerning reactions during the treatment, both women and men
experience waiting for the outcome of the IVF-treatment and an unsuccessful IVF, as most stressful.
Common reactions during IVF are anxiety and depression, while after an unsuccessful IVF, feelings
of sadness, depression and anger prevail. After a successful IVF-treatment, IVF-parents experience
more stress during pregnancy than 'normal fertile' parents. Mothers with children conceived by IVF
express a higher quality of parent-child relationship than mothers with a naturally conceived child.
A study that included 120 subjects with infertility, 80 fertile women, and 90 women with anorexia
nervosa, concluded that infertile women without eating disorders share some of same psychological
characteristics as women with severe eating disorders, such as feelings of inadequacy and insecurity.
A study by Organon found:
- the majority of women surveyed (61 percent) report making sacrifices in order to become
pregnant. These include sacrificing a carefree relationship with their husband (70%), emotional
stability (69%), a spontaneous sex life (64%), financial stability (56%) and personal freedom
(52%). - some of the most common emotions women experience due to infertility include depression
(77%), anger (72%) and anxiety (56%). - 69 percent of women surveyed find that scheduled sex is somewhat to very burdensome,
where intercourse becomes a chore and results in loss of intimacy. - Forty percent of respondents said someone other than their husband/partner was their greatest
source of support, and more than one quarter (26 percent) felt their husband/partner could
have been more supportive. Nearly 3 in 10 women (28 percent) did not feel they and their
husband/partner shared the same level of commitment and dedication to getting pregnant. - 71 percent of infertile women find it burdensome that friends and family frequently ask when
they are planning to have children. - 52 percent of respondents report that their insurance covers only some or none of the cost of
infertility treatments, leading to financial pressures. - 40 percent of women surveyed were willing to make a career sacrifice such as putting their
career on hold (30%) or declining a promotion that required travel (25%); just eight percent
would encourage their husband/partner to change jobs for a more flexible schedule.
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